Their "Justice," My Transparency: Three Childhood Memories They Weaponize To Attempt to Destroy Lives, and Why They Won't Succeed

 

Trigger Warning

Content Warning: This post contains detailed discussions of childhood experiences involving harm to animals and inappropriate behaviour involving a minor. It also addresses themes of psychological abuse, cult tactics, trauma manipulation, and false accusations. Reader discretion is strongly advised. Please prioritize your mental and emotional well-being before proceeding. 

I'm writing this as a form of transparency. I know that for many, what I'm about to share might not seem like a major scandal, but for a cult that has been systematically harassing me, these three memories from my childhood have been weaponized. They've been used to try to shame me, traumatize me, and anchor horrific accusations, things like psychopathy, perversions, and other disgusting labels, in an attempt to break me.

Their methods are reminiscent of Scientology's "auditing" system, designed to make a person feel sinful and unwanted. They get a pleasure out of trying to make me feel guilty for things I did before my teenage years, as if these isolated incidents define my entire character. They ignore the fact that I've gone on to have normal, healthy interactions with animals, infants, and children without a single issue since.

I had no trauma or guilt associated with these memories until 2024, when they started using them against me. They tried to make me depressed, to force a trauma bond, and to layer false memories on top of the real ones, adding disgusting imagery and sensations, in an attempt to make me believe I'm a psychopath or a pedophile. They have called me the most vile words you can call a woman, words meant to degrade and dehumanize. They constantly frame everything they do to me and my family as "justice," as though their harassment is righteous. Prior to one of their Baal rituals, they repeatedly said I deserved to be castrated. They take pleasure in trying to make me believe I am irredeemable. Thankfully, I know who I am, and I trust God to cleanse me from their false accusations.

The purpose of this post is to expose my own past before they can use it as blackmail. As it says in the Bible, God is light, and exposing the darkness heals.

Here are the three memories they've been using against me:

1. The Pigeon (Age 6 or 7)

A pigeon landed on our balcony and wouldn't leave. My mom and I decided to take care of it. A few days later, a family friend suggested tying its feet to the balcony so it couldn't fly away. For some reason, I got the idea to take scissors and cut the pigeon's leg. I did, and unfortunately, the pigeon bled and passed away.

2. The Rabbit (Age 10 or 11)

A daycare teacher gave me a black rabbit to take care of. I loved that rabbit. I do remember one time tugging at its fur, and a patch came out, but it grew back. Then, one day, I was feeling aggressive and wanted to play with it. I stepped on the rabbit with both feet. I don't recall stepping on it aggressively or crushing it. After I stepped off, it seemed okay but then started wheezing and died a few minutes later. I told my parents it had died, but I was too ashamed to tell them I had stepped on it. I felt terrible then, and I still do.

3. The Baby (Age 12)

When I was 12, my mom and I hosted a pregnant Chinese woman who needed a place to stay. She gave birth, and my mom accompanied her to the hospital. After they came home, a nanny was hired to help. The baby girl was adorable and fragile.

After a trip to China, I returned home and was excited to see the baby. I would help the nanny with diaper changes. One time, while helping, I became curious about the baby's genitals. I made a bad decision: I spread the baby's genitals lightly to look, then swabbed my genitals with my finger, and put that finger onto the baby's mouth, curious about what would happen. The baby made an unpleasant face but didn't cry. I knew immediately it was wrong and felt immense guilt. I vowed never to do anything like that again, and I haven't. I have not even thought about this memory with such guilt until the spring of 2023, after returning to Canada from New York, wondering why I felt such "hell," feeling like there were people monitoring me.

Regarding the baby, after that incident there were no further incidents of any kind. A few weeks later, the baby and her mother moved out. Before they left, the mother expressed her gratitude for our hospitality, and she continued to stay in touch, she even thanked us during the baby's first birthday celebration. The baby wasn't even one year old yet when the incident occurred. After that, we eventually lost contact, but there was never any indication of harm or distress beyond that single moment of my poor judgment. 

To provide context, I was 12, just starting puberty. I had gotten my period that summer. I had been learning about reproduction in school and was reading things like Twilight and watching anime. I believe these factors, combined with natural curiosity, led to a poor decision that the US surveillance operators exploit.

Moving Forward

These are the three memories the cult uses to try to define me. They try to add layers of false intent and disgusting details to make me seem like a monster. They constantly test me, trying to uncover childhood trauma that just doesn't exist. I grew up with safe, loving adults who are still alive and well.

I am not proud of these moments. But I am confident in the person I have become. I have not repeated these behaviours. I treat animals with care and feel uncomfortable even playing roughly with them because I don't want to cause harm. I love children and have never harboured evil thoughts toward them.

The Bible is full of people who did wicked things. It shows that no one is perfect. That is why we need Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior. We repent, we are honest about our actions, and we are forgiven.

The enemy, like a lion, tries to devour people by exploiting their secrets. By calling myself out and exposing these memories, I take away their power. I am choosing to live in the light, trusting that God's grace is sufficient.

On Their Tactics: How They Exploit and Retraumatize Me

Even now, some of them continue their abusive campaign. They do not simply accuse me, they actively exploit the normal guilt I already carry and blow it out of proportion. What should be a reasonable remorse for childhood mistakes is inflated into paralyzing anxiety.

Some of them do this by taking ordinary symbols, cherries, the letter "P,", left arrows, certain numbers, or anything they can weaponize, and attaching to them the full weight of my guilt and fear. Then, every time I encounter these things in daily life, they trigger intrusive thoughts, nervousness, and dread.

This is the first step. Their real goal is not just to make me anxious, it is to change those feelings into something worse. They try to force a false connection in my mind between the things that make me nervous and inappropriate emotional or physical responses. Research on emotion demonstrates that physiological arousal can be transferred across contexts and misattributed to the wrong cause, leading individuals to interpret their bodily responses based on environmental cues rather than accurate self-awareness (Dutton & Aron, 1974; Schachter & Singer, 1962) . Abusers exploit this phenomenon deliberately—they take the guilt and fear they have artificially inflated and attempt to twist those emotions into perverse forms, such as sexual guilt or misplaced shame.

In addition, research on emotional contagion shows that people tend to automatically mimic and synchronize with others' emotional expressions, vocalizations, and postures, leading them to "catch" the emotions of those around them (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1993) . This process can occur outside conscious awareness, meaning that external actors can deliberately induce fear or distress in a target, and the target's own body may respond as if the emotion were internally generated. Furthermore, studies on the shame-sexuality cycle have documented how shame and sexual arousal can become pathologically intertwined, particularly when external forces repeatedly associate the two (Rusinoff & Gerber, 1990) . Abusers use technology to create sensations in my body that are not naturally mine, making me feel things that do not originate from me. Then they accuse me of having those responses naturally, as if it proves their accusations about me are true. They want to make me become what they falsely accuse me of being.

In my case, they constantly link these tactics to children and symbols like cherries. They are trying to forge a connection in my mind that did not exist before their surveillance and abuse. They hope that if they repeat their abuse long enough, my genuine remorse will curdle into something unrecognizable, something they can then point to as proof of their accusations. This is psychological conditioning. They are trying to turn my conscience into condemnation, all so they can claim "justice" for the very sickness they are trying to implant in me.

This is only one aspect of what they do.

They also manipulate the environment around me by exploiting things I encounter in public spaces, graffiti, art, stickers, symbols on the street. For instance, I once saw a sticker of three toads on the metro. That image reminded me of the three unclean spirits described in the book of Revelation, which are associated with gathering nations for battle before Christ's return. Instead of leaving that as my own thought, they used it to accuse me of guilt. They become accusatory and angry, claiming I am trying to "trick" them, calling me a demon. They test my spirit as if I am the one doing something wrong, when all I did was notice a sticker. I am not a demon, what is a demon anyway? I have a body, I try to follow Christ Jesus, and I see Him as the truth. I do not do to others what they do to me, to Christians or anyone else. I bless others often, and I hope to help others in whatever ways I can.

Similarly, they exploit common letter combinations like "CP" to force intrusive associations. Whenever these letters appear in everyday contexts, on signs, products, or writing, they weaponize them to trigger shame and distress, trying to make me feel as though ordinary things are somehow connected to their false accusations.

How They Trigger Physical and Sensory Responses

In addition to the psychological manipulation, they use technology to create physical sensations that align with their accusations. I feel "pushed" or experience flushing in my face. At the same time, they vocalize accusations, saying wicked things about me, and some of the operators engage in perverse actions toward me while all of this is happening. They also manipulate what I hear, introducing artificial noises like the sound of a motor running, which is intended to provoke a racing heart, anxiety, and fear. Research on emotional contagion shows that physical cues, such as facial expressions, vocalizations, and even physiological responses, can transfer fear and arousal from one person to another, often through automatic mimicry processes that occur outside conscious awareness (Hatfield, Cacioppo, & Rapson, 1993; Miller, Banks, & Ogawa, 1963) . They exploit this principle to amplify my distress and make their accusations feel physically real. Perhaps this is also why as a group, they do these perverse, violent and baal-peor inspired rituals, trying to influence my physiology, values, and relationships with real people in my life.

Why They Do This

Many of these surveillance operators are themselves struggling with the very things they accuse me of. Some of their goal is to bring me down to their level. By making me feel guilty and anxious, they try to justify the abuse they put me through. Some of them call this process their "training." They get excitement from retraumatizing me. To them, this is entertainment. To me, it is gross violation of bodily autonomy. I would never have thought, prior to surviving this abuse, this type of bodily violation was possible. Certainly, I am not upset to not be on their other side, as I harbour no interest equipping this technology and doing what they do to others. In good Faith, I also have developed dissociation abilities, through prayers to God, and me genuinely knowing much of the perversities they do are unethical, to feel not too influenced by their perverse actions and the unwanted nor asked for sensory sensations they induce.

I refuse to let them succeed. My guilt over my past is my own. It is proportionate, and I have already accounted for it before God. What they are trying to build in me is not truth, it is a construction of abuse. I reject their "training." I reject their attempt to rewire my conscience into something it is not.

A Note on Character and Intimacy

I understand this may be more information than some expect, but I feel it is necessary to address the broader picture of my character in light of the false accusations made against me.

I have only ever been intimate with one person in my life, and it was a consensual experience. That was when I was 24 years old, with a 31-year-old man during my time in New York, for less than half a year. I have not engaged in any other intimate relationships besides that. Regarding the one adult male I slept with, the guy has a decent career as a practising lawyer in Manhattan, and recently I learned he became a partner at the firm he works at.

I share this not to overshare, but to establish that the narratives the cult attempts to construct about me, portraying me as deviant or perverse, are not only false but completely inconsistent with the reality of who I am and how I have chosen to conduct myself. My history does not align with their accusations, and I refuse to let their distortions define me. I never would even think to overshare these experiences, and prepare of the backlash that I would receive, but it is better to be completely honest than have the surveillance operators accuse me of being a "baal" worshipper, a "pedophile", a "satanic",  a "demon", a "witch", etc. I rebuke all of their lies against me in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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References

Dutton, D. G., & Aron, A. P. (1974). Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 30(4), 510–517.

Hatfield, E., Cacioppo, J. T., & Rapson, R. L. (1993). Emotional contagion. Cambridge University Press.

Miller, R. E., Banks, J. H., & Ogawa, N. (1963). Communication of affects in feral and free-ranging rhesus monkeys. Journal of Abnormal and Social Psychology, 67(5), 441–448.

Rusinoff, J., & Gerber, P. N. (1990). Crossing typological boundaries in treating the shame cycle. In M. Hunter (Ed.), The sexually abused male: Application of treatment strategies (Vol. 2, pp. 99–115). Lexington Books.

Schachter, S., & Singer, J. E. (1962). Cognitive, social, and physiological determinants of emotional state. Psychological Review, 69(5), 379–399.