On Violence, Grooming, and the Attempt to Redirect Anger

 

 Trigger Warning: This post discusses psychological manipulation, grooming tactics, attempts to redirect anger toward family members, and the use of violent imagery as a coping mechanism. The violence described is slapstick and cartoonish, not graphic or realistic.

A Documentation of Their Tactics

When I imagine defending myself against the surveillance operators, pushing back against the abuse they inflict, they are not bothered. They are pleased. They see my anger toward them as something they can redirect.

If I accidentally think about my mother in these moments of frustration, they become extremely happy. They encourage me to have more of these thoughts. They call me "Hao-er", the Chinese word for "better," "gooder", using their twisted inversion. They try to train me, to groom me, to redirect my righteous anger away from them and toward the people who actually love me.

This is what they do. They want to take the anger I feel toward them, anger that is a response to their abuse, and turn it toward my mother, my father, the decent people in my life. They want to corrupt my emotions. They want to make me into what they are.

What They Call Me

These days, they call me "one of them." They say I have passed their hazing tests. They say I am now a part of their secret society. They claim I am one of the American elite operators.

This is a lie. I am not one of them. I have not passed their tests. I have not joined their society. I have not become what they are.

But they say this for specific reasons.

Why They Claim I Am One of Them

To Trigger War. They believe that if I have spiritual significance, then claiming me as part of their side would help trigger war with China. They hope it would expedite disasters and calamity in the world.

To Control My Actions. They think that if I believe I am one of them, I would listen to their commands. They want me to harm myself. They want me to engage in rituals. They want me to generate the content they fantasize about, so they can use it for their own purposes.

To Change Who I Am. They want to transform someone rooted in Jesus Christ, in truth, in faith, in the Holy Spirit, into something opposite. They want to demonstrate how a sane, kind civilian can be corrupted, broken, tormented, and destroyed.

A Honest Confession About Violent Imagery

I want to be honest. The worst of it has been a few times, out of sheer rage and frustration, imagining destroying the surveillance operators and the demonic caricatures, the fake children, they project into my mind. I imagined beheading them. I imagined wiping them out.

It is terrible to admit. But there it is.

These violent slapstick moments extend beyond the adults, beyond the surveillance operators themselves. They include the random fake children that they bombard into my mind space, the grotesque projections they use to try to corrupt, to shame, to confuse. Of course I feel guilty about it. I am human. I do not want to imagine violence toward anyone, let alone child-like figures. But as the victim, not the perpetrator, this is literally the kind of thing they try to get you to do. They push and push until you break, and then they point at your breaking and say: "See? You are one of us."

It is like the video game Happy Wheels, where you have a dad and son, and there are random scenes of violence that are slapstick and comical. That is the tone. It is ridiculous. It is cartoonish. It is not realistic. It is not something I would ever do in real life. It is a way of saying: "Fuck off. Get away from me. Leave my mind alone."

Why I Am Confessing This

They are pissed right now that I am exposing myself. That I am revealing this as a confession. Because this lessens the power they have over me. They thrive on secrecy. They thrive on guilt. They thrive on making you feel that your darkest thoughts are proof that you are like them.

By confessing this, by saying: "Yes, I imagined this. Yes, it was ugly. It was also ridiculous and slapstick and a way to protect myself", I take away their leverage. I take away their ability to blackmail me with my own mind.

They mock me. They say I have "fallen." They say I have "dropped." "Dropped from grace," they say. They think this is funny. They think my confession is proof that they have won, that I am one of them, that I am no longer a Christian.

They are wrong. I have not fallen from grace. I am still here. I am still holding onto my faith. I am still confessing, repenting, praying. I am still documenting. I am still telling the truth.

A person who has fallen does not confess. A person who has fallen does not repent. A person who has fallen does not keep fighting. I am fighting. I am confessing. I am repenting. I am still here.

Why I Choose This

It is either this, destroying them in my imagination, in a slapstick, cartoonish way, or letting them latch on and do the disgusting things they try to do. I choose the former. I choose to protect my mind. I choose to push them away. I choose to say: "Get away from me."

There is violence in the Bible. Both the Old and New Testaments contain imagery of judgment, of warfare, of the destruction of evil. I am not claiming that my slapstick imagination is righteous. But I am saying that when you are under attack, you defend yourself. And sometimes that defense looks ridiculous. That is okay.

What They Want to See

They want to see me make bad decisions. They want to see me self-destruct. They want to see me engage in harmful behavior. They want to see me end my life. They want to see me damned.

This is their wicked intent. This is what they want for both me and my mother.

They imagine a tragedy: a person tormented, driven to despair, and then destroyed. They want to watch this happen. They want to be the ones who caused it.

What This Reveals About Them

This reveals how disgusting and callous they are. They are obsessed with youth. They think people peak in beauty before adulthood. They reminisce about their own childhoods, when they think they were "cuter." They call adults "ugly," "used up," "old." They berate me constantly with these terms. This highlights how mentally unwell they are.

My Prayer

I pray to God to protect me from the wickedness they send. I pray to protect my family, my lineage, my mind. I pray for blessing, for healing, for peace.

I rebuke their attempt to redirect my anger. I rebuke their claim that I am one of them. I rebuke their desire to trigger war, to control me, to change who I am. I rebuke their fantasies of tragedy and destruction.

I declare in the name of Jesus Christ: My anger is not towards my mother. My frustration is not for my family. My love is for them. My resistance is for you. You will not turn me against the people I love. You will not make me one of you. You will not see my destruction.

In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

References & Notes

  • Ephesians 4:26-27  "Be angry, and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity."

  • Isaiah 54:17  "No weapon that is formed against you will succeed."

  • Psalm 27:1  "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear?"

  • Psalm 7:15-16   "He has dug a pit and hollowed it out, and has fallen into the hole which he made. His mischief will return upon his own head."

  • 1 John 1:9  "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

  • Proverbs 28:13  "Whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will obtain mercy."

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