How They Accuse Me of Their Own Darkness and Gaslighting

 

Of all the weapons in the surveillancer's arsenal, one stands above the rest. Not the appearance shaming. Not the suicide baiting. Not even the dehumanizing names.

It is this: They accuse me of being exactly what they themselves are – people who exploit and harm the vulnerable, civilians. They project their own darkest impulses onto me.

Let me be absolutely clear, because clarity is the enemy of gaslighting.

I have never done any of the vilest things they accuse me of. I do not want to do them. I know those acts are extremely wrong, evil, and bad, so I would not even allow myself to fantasize about them.

That is the truth. And they know it.

The Gaslighting Mechanism

Here is how their lie works. They bombard me with vulgar, degrading content – things no decent person would tolerate. Then they turn around and claim that I am the one who likes it. That I am the one with the twisted desires. That I am a danger to the innocent.

They are literally accusing me of being exactly what they are projecting.

What makes it worse is that these are the same kinds of people you hear being criticized in the news – those who hide in churches, in government, in surveillance agencies. And they have the audacity to call themselves Christians.

But let me name what they really are: people who use invasive, spiritual, and technological means to spy on others without consent. They peer into lives. They consume private moments like addicts. And then they try to normalize their own darkness in my life using their methods.

The "You're Not Horrified 24/7" Lie

Their most twisted argument goes like this:

Because I am not visibly horrified every single second of every single day – because I sometimes act casual, sometimes laugh, sometimes keep working, sometimes acknowledge their invasive gaze without collapsing – they claim that I must be fine with their vile practices.

They say: *"See? You're not screaming 24/7. You must consent. You must want this. You're accepting what we're doing."*

Let me translate that into reality:

A person who has a cockroach infestation does not spend every waking moment screaming. Sometimes they sigh. Sometimes they step over a dead roach. Sometimes they cook dinner while knowing the vermin are in the walls. That does not mean they invited the cockroaches. That does not mean they are fine with filth.

Similarly, I cannot spend every second of my life in performative horror. I have work to do. Studying. Friends. Family. A relationship with God. If I stopped functioning every time their dark gaze landed on me, I would never move nor smile again.

My ability to function is not endorsement. It is survival.

They Think God Would Be Fine With Them

This is where their wickedness reaches theological depths.

They genuinely seem to believe that because I haven't died, because I haven't run far enough, because I still pray and still trust Jesus, that somehow God is fine with what they do. They think they can commit sexual immorality, voyeurism, spiritual abuse – and then point at me and say, "She's the sinner."

But God is not mocked. And God sees exactly who is doing what.

They accuse me of "turning like them." That is absolutely false. I have been celibate throughout this entire experience, and I continue to be celibate. I do not even physiologically respond to the degrading things they do. Their attempts to provoke a reaction, to "prove" that I am like them – all of it fails because I am not them.

My Vow: No Children

Here is another truth I want to be transparent about.

Because of what I have seen – because of the evil they have shown me, the brutal, perverse, dark things they do – I vow to never be a mother. I will never bring a child into this world.

Not because I dislike children. Because I refuse to hand an innocent soul over to the gaze of people like this.

And let me address another lie they spread. They accuse me of wanting to mix bloodlines with them. They frame their obsessive, ritualistic behaviours – inspired by ancient pagan practices like Baal Peor – as if I am the one pursuing them. As if I am the one who wants to join their community, or as if I am encouraging their behaviours, which I never have and never would.

I do not. I have never. Their projection is false. I am vehemently against their immoral practices while they call themselves Christians. Their practices are objectively not compatible with Faith and Yahweh's teachings of purity. I will not normalize what should never be normalized, especially during a time like now, if they are calling themselves Christians.

I Am Not Special – And That Is the Point

There are so many people on Earth who are more kind, decent, and pure than I am. I am sure they can also have faith and love of Jesus Christ. I do not feel any inherent obsession with being a mom, or as if I must continue my genetic line.

Indeed, even in my current church, I know some amazing sisters who are kind, pure, decent Christians with normal lives, jobs, and spouses. They do not have kids. Some never had the chance and now cannot. And they seem happy with their lives. They live decent, meaningful lives.

Children are a blessing. But it is also a blessing to be single, as many of the sisters I see in my life are. I am not special for making this vow. I am honest about what I have seen and what I choose.

They Try to Isolate Me from My Community

Here is a specific cruelty they add.

Because they monitor my life constantly with their unwelcome, nonconsensual presence, they accuse me of being unethical if I spend time with others in my church, or other people in general – especially if I spend time with young people. They know I have never harmed anyone. But they try to make me feel guilty, isolated, and wrong for simply being a decent person in my faith community. They literally curse to hope I'd be a self-isolation, so they can feel less guilty about putting me through these spells of vulgarity and misery, since they could then focus their abuse on me with less people around.

They imply: "You know too much. We are watching. You cannot be part of normal life without our permission."

Even though you are not a criminal, they treat you as if you are one, and hope that by doing so, you would actually behave like one.

This is the logic of those who silence witnesses: eliminate anyone who knows too much. They have already tried to break me with their technology – but they are afraid to do worse because they fear divine retribution. So instead, they try to slowly make me sway toward being lawless, bitter, twisted. They bombard me with insults, perversions, and degrading acts, hoping I will break and become like them.

But I rebuke all of it in the name of Jesus Christ.

I Forgive Them – And Pray for God's Mercy and Grace

Despite everything I have written above – despite the false accusations, the voyeurism, the invasive methods, the attempts to normalize darkness in my life – I forgive them.

And I pray that God gives them mercy and grace as well. God is not only a just God – He is also a kind God. He forgives those who repent. And I pray that they and their next generation will turn from their wickedness.

That said, forgiving them does not mean normalizing what they do. We cannot allow our normalcy of living surrounded by lawlessness and wickedness to be dimmed just because we endure so much mistreatment. It's either endurance and acclimation, or to be broken-hearted and disgusted to the point of sickness and death. I will never call evil good. I will never pretend their practices are compatible with Christianity. And I will never join their cult-like practices willingly while lying to others about it as being compatible with the teachings of Christian Faith, because it never will be, based on my understanding of the Bible and what it means to be a Christian.

If I Ever Joined Them (Which I Never Will) – It Would End My Genetic Line

Let me make this as strong as I can.

I am not one of them. They accuse me of being one, but I am not. If I were to join them – which I never intend to do and have never done – then mark my words: it would be the end of my personal line, genetically. I would not bear a son or daughter into their wicked, hypocritical, creepy community. I would not sacrifice my child or my genetics that way.

I hope people are more thoughtful about their own practices if they consider being a parent. Do not bring children into a world where people normalize darkness and call it good.

A Prayer of Rebuke and Protection

I rebuke all of their wickedness and evil intentions in the name of Jesus Christ.

I protect myself, and everyone wrongfully tainted by their presence – by their invasive methods and dark behavior – in the name of Jesus Christ. Amen.

Let no weapon formed against me prosper. Let their lies fall to the ground. Let their monitoring gaze be blinded by the blood of Christ. And let the people in my church be safe, not because I am a threat (I am not), but because God watches over us all.

They Pretend Nothing Happened

Here is one of the most maddening parts of this entire experience.

These people show me the most vile, dark, hellish things they can do. Brutal, perverse acts – among other demonic things. They force me to witness their evil, and try to make me feel all the more isolated, by isolating their evil and vileness onto me and my family, along with certain friends and acquaintances in my life. They use their methods to project their filth into my awareness.

And then, the next moment, or the day, they act as if nothing happened. They pretend to be normal. They literally "pray" to hope that the targets would not document or forget the vileness they enjoy doing.

They hope that victims forget the hell they are put through by these living, breathing, wicked people.

But I do not forget. And God does not forget.

A Honest Confession: I Have Been Triggered at Church

I must admit and clarify something, because transparency matters.

During moments, these surveillance operators specifically try to trigger me a lot during my times at the church. This occasionally triggers me to curse them to go to hell – vocally. Because of this, from an outside perspective, it might look terrible to an onlooker or someone who sees from the outside, not realizing I am sometimes extremely angry and triggered, cursing the US surveillance operators. From the outside perspective, it would look like I am cursing random people or people at my church.

The US surveillance operators are hoping I would look like this from the outside perspective. But no – this is not the case. I never would intentionally want to curse or hurt anyone from my church, or any actual Christian. I only want to bless and protect them, just as my good Christian brothers and sisters bless and protect me, along with the blessings of Jesus Christ.

I must admit this just in case the US surveillance operators are happy they can stitch an unrepresentative version of me, planning to cancel me and shock people in my life with sticking a vulgar, disgusting, perverse version of me that I never am nor was – based on the disgusting filth and abuse they put me through. Basically, they are cherry-picking and stitching a false perspective of my family and me, to make us disliked and hated by the world. I recognize this.

This could also just be something they would distribute secretly and privately to their network. But if I theoretically psychologically snapped and my blog became popular, and they had to respond – or at least provide answers to scientists, researchers, human rights committees – they would definitely show them the worst moments of me, after the absolute disgusting and vile harassments and perversions I had to endure, and that I know others have to endure without their knowledge, along with the wrongs they have committed historically and still try to commit. That is why I say the things I do – which would make me look like the vulgar, demonic person, even though I still declare myself a sinner saved and reborn in Jesus Christ, with Him as my Lord and Savior.

Bless Jesus Christ. Amen.

My Final Word

I remain celibate. I remain childless by vow. I remain in Christ. I refuse to let their lies become my identity.

They say terrible things about me. I say: Let God search my heart, my history, my thoughts, my body. There is nothing there for them to find.

And that is why they have to lie and accuse.

But even so, Lord, have mercy on them. Forgive them. They know what they do, but Your grace is bigger than their knowing. Save their next generation. And keep me from ever becoming like them. I pray that the next generation does not normalize these perverse, wicked behaviours, and become genetically and morally dimmed to think it is okay and compatible with the level of morals and ethics that Jesus Christ aspires us to follow.

I pray Jesus Christ understands my circumstances, sees the injustice I endure, the disgust I endure, and that He cleans me, purifies our communities, minds, bodies and spirits, rebuking all evil curses and wickedness these foes plant in our lives, protecting us with goodness, purity and light.

I pray this in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.